Hi, everyone. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted on here. Honestly, the past month or so has been rough, as for the entirety of this semester, but these past few weeks have been like limbo for me. I don’t know how to describe it exactly. A couple weeks ago, I had to rush to quarantine after a possible COVID exposure at my work, and with that I was possibly putting myself at more risk since I was quarantining with my brother who has also tested positive at the time. With lack of access to my familiar resources, I attempted to stay up to date with my classes and production work, but felt myself starting to fall behind. I’ve found it hard to reach out lately.
Things could feel better.
Since I’ve gotten out of quarantine, I’ve been attempting to catch up, but have also been doing a lot of production work for CoogTV, which feels both rewarding and tiring. I like my job a lot and I love the people I work with–that I get to work with. There’s so much in store for us and I’m excited to have made it happen and make it all happen. Things pile up, though, as things tend to do. I enjoy the work more than anything, right now though. It’s a stressor for me, for sure, but a lot of the time, it gets me through the day.
I’ve felt weaker lately. Not really physically so much as mentally, but somehow I’m still here and still learning, and learning to do the things that I love. I get asked by my peers in my Entertainment branch how I’m able to balance running all three shows and maintain order for my teams, schedule, and make time for them and all the productions (I haven’t missed a single Entertainment production this fall/winter), and I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I think I’m able to because a part of me wouldn’t be able to function well if I didn’t, if that makes any sense. I’m grateful for all the experience and the work. It means a lot to me when my peers and co-workers take the time to thank me for the work I’m doing and the effort I put into them and it all.
There’s this pressure I’ve always felt, though, and sometimes it’s much lighter or heavier, but I want to put out the best possible products as I possibly can, when I can. I hate to be inconsiderate of others’ time or my own. I really do. I also hate making things that don’t feel right to me. So feeling set back so often by the twists of my personal life and health makes it all weigh a little more. When can taking personal time for myself stop feeling like time wasted? I wish some things would alleviate so I could only focus on my craft and myself, just at least one thing. Whether it’s my financial situation, or my health or insecurities, or something. I just hope to accomplish what I’ve always set out to do.
Don’t mean to be too dramatic about all this, though. It’s just something, realistically, that I deal with from time to time, or maybe at all times like it’s background noise. Nat sound or whatever we call it.
I’m going to get back to planning for my next shoots and thinking deeply about… Something. I hope you all have a wonderful night, truly.
– Erin K. B.
Story Song with Leandro