Confession

 In Articles

Me again.

Not sure if any of you know, but I am a double major both at Valenti and at Bauer. I didn’t plan for it to be like this. I planned to be reciting scripts on stage and learning how to express emotion in so many ways in a single performance. Ever since I was little I wanted to be an actress and win an Oscar. Originally in high school, I was a huge theater kid before I joined film class late in the game my Junior year.

I grew up in a very traditional household. Meaning that, if you are hispanic, art as a career is pretty much a no go. As a Senior in high school I was so close to auditioning at UH to be in the theater school. But you know… stuff happened and I had to be redirected in order to appease those around me. I knew I could film and somewhat direct/ produce, but I only have self taught experience under my belt. I entered UH as an Integrated Comm major, desperate to find my niche. I wanted to be in Media Production, but also felt like I was nowhere near the talents current students have (I still feel this way). I am so harsh on my work that I don’t ever want anyone seeing it. I had a film screened at a festival and I nearly bursted into tears at the fact that I had to sit and watch the horror with an audience.

“I could always do better.” is my biggest enemy in my head.

I soon declared business as a major to go in hand with media, because, if I wasn’t good at making film, I can at least learn other ropes and help market it. I know I have a creative eye, but it’s not good enough.

And no this is not a “woe is me tell me my stuff is good.” these are very much personal thoughts and insecurities that run through my head anytime I open up FinalCut. I want to be confident in my work and confident that I can direct and hold a camera without being afraid. Sometimes I wish I can fully dive into something creatively without thinking of the inner criticism or that I look like I don’t know what I’m doing. I hold back, I know I do. Theres so many photoshoots and videos I want to do that’s all in my noggin but I’m too scared to do it.

So here we are. A little insecure and a little unsure of a lot of things. I tend to sit back and watch you amazing humans work just because I’m a visual learner.

Anywoo… I hope to grow out of this and dive in, because being stuck in a 9-5 cubicle is something I was not born to do.

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  • Bailey Blair
    Reply

    It can be hard to find that confidence at times. I struggle with that too, and feel embarrassed even showing my family the projects we do in class. I’ve always been a people pleaser and if someone else isn’t excited for me then I am not excited for myself. I’ve been trying to work on that and tell myself that I worked hard and what I did turned out well, but it’s a work in progress. That being said, I don’t want to be that person that tells you “just believe in yourself and all that” because I know it’s not easy and I am the same way. However, at the end of the day you are living your life for you. Sometimes your friends and family aren’t always going to understand your choices, whether that is career related or just life choices, but those choices are for you to make and learn and grow. They can be supportive without always agreeing, because someone who cares will always be there for you whether a choice you make works out for the best or not. As far as how you see your work, just know you are always a work in progress. Growing does not have a start and end point. I think this is what makes me think negatively about myself at times because I am not “at a certain level” where I vision I should be. In reality, there is no end point that you can reach and feel you are done. I thought that, because it’s how I feel at this moment in time and anything I do seems like it could be better than where it is at, if that makes sense. But then when you get to that point, it’s just a continuous cycle. Whatever is going to make you happy is always going to be a constant work in progress. It’s deciding which problems you care enough about to solve because the process is just as rewarding as the end result. Just don’t forget to accept yourself as being in process. If you find yourself thinking other people’s projects are better, just remember there is no “right” way to be creative. Everyone is creative in their own way and that’s what makes film interesting and that is how we learn from each other! Overall, I know it’s hard to be happy with yourself and your work at times, I feel the same; and sometimes it takes someone else to bring out all the things that make you great, rather than focusing on all the little things that you see as big things. Continue to have fun in this class and learn from yourself and others! Don’t be scared to go after what you love, because in the end even if it doesn’t work out, there’s always a new opportunity for you.

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