A Journey to look back on and to move on from
I have a lot to say this morning, for one thing I have experienced a long journey after I turned 21, you can say it was life lessons through mistakes and honestly being unable to take critique. I wasn’t much for listening because I had done so much of it in my adolescences. I did what I was told and went with other’s opinions because I was afraid to clash with others. Honestly I still haven’t quite gotten passed that part but I do know that I did fold a lot when it came to critiques, I would agree regardless if I thought the opposite or not just because I wanted friends over self respect.
This continued throughout my random assortment of jobs where I learned that I was nothing but a number in machine and I was expendable. That kept me at a low point for many years and I didn’t really recover from it. There was a time that I had forgotten all this when I worked in retail and I decided to ignore the problems and continue down a path of less resistance until I started meeting more people who would rather use me than be a mentor or friend, I made it too easy for them honestly; however, this isn’t to say I deserved it but the change never happened and I never really grew up in my 20s.
I can say this however, the moment I was on an independent film set, I got a taste of production, I felt I was good at it and I still do. I got a lot of this production, I even managed to rent a helicopter for our final scene but at the time a friend of mine who will remain nameless took over this production and railroaded the original director, after awhile he started letting it get to his head and started to not take critique from others at all. He honestly became so angry he started firing people including myself. Although I think it was more of a personal reason on his part because at the time I was dating someone he liked which I didn’t really find out till after the whole thing, but I think the big red flag for me was when this girl broke up with me was the moment my old friend decided I was no longer needed, of course this isn’t all on him, I wasn’t taking critique well at all either at that point and felt I needed to make myself herd but his voice was louder than mine and I ended up the loser in this scenario, or so I would think for some time.
This is when I decided to really focus on my college career and I did by thinking I could be a screenwriter, and since I was already in community college at the time after giving up on college for 5 years, I decided to work towards a film career and not that long after I started my college career at University of Houston. It was a good experience, except I started a job in a place where I felt the only reason they liked having me around is because I trained the newer people and did a lot of the work when I picked up on it. I WAS HAPPY TO BE IN MY FIELD, so I was happy to do it until I realized I wasn’t apart of this group. No matter how much I tried I was just an outsider to them and an annoying one at that. I talked too much, I was loud, I was annoying, and I was always around. I tried to talk less, keep my voice lower and I tried to give people space. Except it wasn’t enough for one person and sadly I let it get to me and every time she told me how I should be doing something or that I was doing something wrong, I felt less that I was learning something from her but instead was just her punching bag that didn’t exist unless it was to make fun of or get to work. I explained this to my boss at the time but I didn’t follow through because I thought it would get better, that’s on me and I know that if I had tried I could have fixed the problem if I really tried but it didn’t get better. Eventually I lost my brother to a blood clot in the heart, which devastating and even though people gave me their condolences even her, she said something that I just couldn’t take and it stuck with me the rest of the time I worked there. I had to leave, especially since it was effecting my work and learning. Of course I don’t blame this person for everything, I should have spoken up for myself and let her know that it’s not okay to treat me like a thing, if she didn’t like me fine but at least treat me with respect but I didn’t and maybe that’s for the best because it taught me to look into myself, then the self-doubt started to fade and I began to know what I wanted but didn’t know what to do.
So I waited till my work-study was up and found another job, and with also working with 4381 production I feel I am finally on the right track, I met Micheal Grossman who inspired me to work towards my dreams, I learned from these productions that I have more to grow and that’s okay. I still work on my personal projects as a freelancer and I have a much better time working those jobs because of what I learned in the past was a lesson to learn from not hold against myself and others. This person from my last job probably didn’t mean to come off the way she did or maybe she did, except it doesn’t matter because I shouldn’t be effected by someone else’s opinion and I can see that now. Although its easier said than done but I’m getting there every day, even if I still have my outbursts here and there which all I can say about that is I can only get better in time, I’m not going to punish myself for slip ups if I learn from them and apologize, because no one deserves to be treated like they don’t exist or just that they are to be used.
One of the best lessons I learned from two people: Craig Crowe and Keith Houk, I learned that I can be better and grow. So I want to continue to grow and work harder to make my goals happen. I’m still confused on what I want to do in the film industry but I know for sure I love this field, I also hate it but it’s not a hate that keeps me from loving it so much. I feel like I belong here and I want to prove it to myself and to those who have mentored me and my friends who have supported me this far. So regardless if I’m a producer, director, writer, actor, audio and camera op, or maybe all of the above because I’ve put my hand in each and I have learned what I can do and what I need help with. This is because I learned to take the harsh critique better than I use to, of course I failed at this so many times but it isn’t about how many times I failed, this is about how I found myself and how I’m going to continue down this path.