Which means, I would normally complain and yell out why it’s someone else’s fault as well as try to explain how I couldn’t have made that mistake because of whatever random reason came to mind. No, this time I’m aware what mistake was made; its the same old mistake that I’ve been making for years now, which seems dramatic I know but my point is that I’m not going to take it to an emotional mind this time. In other words I can’t, this needs to be a lesson learned and moved on because I can’t afford to continue down this road anymore. If I do then I mine as well quit on my dream because I won’t make it in this industry if I wear my emotions on my sleeve.
You see, I got some fantastic feedback today about my video I worked on today and I was happy for that critique, because I knew honestly what I did wrong, sadly I actually feel like I let my cast and crew down because I wasn’t a strong director for them, so I let my project go down in flames. Except, I can’t take it that way, you see I made progress today and I’m proud of myself. I’m also proud of the people I work with and how they took their critiques and listened, it would really be disrespectful in my opinion if I was sad because I was told something was bad about my project, instead I’m taking it as “this was how the narrative should have gone”, which I agree with and I will hold on to that advice forever because I want to be a good director, before I would have just run away and hid behind a friend while they did all the work, but I tried this time; I honestly tried to do my best and even though I made mistakes as a director, I’m not mad or sad about it. I will do better, regardless if I’m director, key grip, or just a grip. This feels like a lesson that I’m going to have to force down because the old me would be hurt right now and the project wasn’t even an entire failure, I can always go back and make corrections because, in the end it’s how we make it right?
I also made another mistake, I lashed out but not just once but two different times on two different projects. Admittedly I feel at least one of them I needed to stand up for myself but there is a time and a place to do so. Which means I can’t obsess over being talked to a certain way, these things happen because tempers flair and the best course of action is honestly to stay calm and breath, then you can take the problem and solve it. Usually I don’t have that much time though, which means I’m normally in between a rock and a hard place which will cause a problem that will cause a negative reaction. I regret the reaction though–in fact, I wish I could take it back but I can’t, all I can do is prove myself to be reliable and communicate better which of course is easy to say and hard to do. So what can I do? Do I just take the tongue lashing and ignore my emotions or do I stand up for myself and make it clear I don’t want to be yelled at or talked down to? The answer is honestly not that simple but to be professional, I’m not entirely sure that standing up for yourself is the right course of action at the moment but instead talk it out later after the work is done.
So yea, I made a few mistakes and if I had enough time I’d mention the other many problems that has happened this month but that’s not the point of this blog. The point is to tell myself to stop, listen, breath, and react professionally. If it doesn’t need to be said at that moment don’t say it, If it needs to be done even though you are being told in a tone you find disrespectful, then do it at that moment and calmly find away to talk about it later if you can. Although, if it can’t be calmly talked about then maybe it is best left unsaid and better to move on, because its more important to do your job well than to validate your ego. Basically that’s what I learned anyway, but I’m still making the same mistake, so what do I do? Well I believe the safe answer would be to move on and instead of beating myself over the head with the lesson, how about this time I stop to listen to what’s being asked of me, then breath to relax and then react to the problem.
I know, I’m sort of full of it but honestly I’m just tired of making myself look unhinged, and I’m tired of always being sorry, I’d just like to be reliable , if anything I honestly would love to just be the guy that someone would say ” I love Richard because he comes to the set ready to work and get things done”. I don’t need this validated ego anymore, which is not to say I will let people walk all over me but honestly is it worth fighting every battle just to prove you’re not weak? I just want to do my job, I also want to do that job well and help others do their job the best way they can without getting in their way.
I’m done speaking my mind now and I want to make it known that I’m not attacking anyone here at 4381 productions, in fact I’m thanking you for helping me grow. I also know I said I was tired of apologizing but I am sorry for being so emotionally out of control, even if this time I have more control than I would normally. Furthermore, I know that I’ve already apologized and that I was forgiven so of course saying sorry now is kind of pointless but you know, I think it’ll be awhile before I get out of the apology habit of mine and well, I hate to say it but I’m sorry that I’m sorry.