It was busy last week at 4381 productions, I had various projects to work on as well as working with a TV/Film Director Micheal Grossman. I had fun working as his key grip and learned a lot if not from him from my crew and executive producer. Mostly this lesson was to slow down and listen but also be assertive. I spent so many years just flying by and never really learning either of these lessons, however I think what hit me the most was the the same lesson was taught to me from Sunday to Friday.
First, I had my project for 4381 production on Sunday that challenged me by having to be a director. I had no idea what I was doing and honestly it showed which caused some panic with a lot of frustration. It worked out in the end but I ended up obsessing over it all week which sadly was a lesson I didn’t learn.
Secondly, I had a morning with Micheal Grossman on Monday which was inspiring, I asked him questions about directing and he inspired me to be so much more confident. The most important thing that caught me was when he said “to tell the story”, so the next time I would direct that week I made sure thats all I did.
I also learned that I am a bit too relaxed because I overstepped my boundaries which I’m ashamed of and obsessed over it all day that day. In fact, I wish it could be said I learned to not do but I don’t know what I could have done that day to make myself stop. I later got advice from my assistant director, which got through to me and I decided that this problem of being so negative could wait till I’m done with all of my projects.
Especially since the week was going to move on regardless if I’ve learned the lesson or not, and on Tuesday I did feel a little better but it wasn’t until I got an email from my EP which I think I really needed to hear and instead of focusing on learning my tough lesson I decided I was going to be more assertive and keep my head in the game.
At the same time Tuesday I had lunch with my crew and Micheal Grossman after a workshop where he talked about fighting choreography which was a fun watch of course, furthermore the lunch was a good way to talk about our upcoming project on Friday which I had been dreading because I was so afraid of messing up because of my obsession over every detail of my mistakes.
On Wednesday I learned that I had a second shoot on Friday to get ready for which would be right after my shoot with Grossman, so I had a lot on my mind which of course I almost broke down again. In fact I had already broke down on Monday but I just refused to break down again in the same week. What really kept me on my feet was working on my wearing my emotions on my sleeve which I can’t take credit for, my AD gave me that advice and I’m happy to have had two days off to get ready for Friday because if I didn’t, then I probably would have had a second breakdown.
Finally on Friday I had the shoot with Grossman where I worked as key grip, I was nervous and wanted to hide but I knew I needed to do my job and I would did the best which I feel is the only thing I could do. So, two or three apologies later that day I managed to gather myself together and do the best I can to be a good KG, however I did continue to obsess and feel depressed which showed, my EP even had to ask me if I was doing alright because I was dragging. At that moment something snapped in me, I told him I was fine but my crew needed me to be on top of my game that day. Which meant I didn’t have time to obsess, so I kept moving and instead of doing “my best” I focused on my job.
This was an important moment for me because I realized what was being taught to me and I didn’t just keep my head down and hide, what was needed was simply just do the job I was given, which I did. Of course, it was a little difficult because I did lose a lot of grips throughout the day but we did great and learned a lot from Grossman as well as worked a great shoot even after a few bumps down the road we did a great job and I’m proud of our work that day. I was even ready for my second shoot that night at 6pm. I took a chance and asked Grossman what he would do on a music video shoot like the one I had and I was given a few ideas of what shots and angles to get for the shoot. I was inspired and confident enough to do it and I was ready for my second chance to direct something and be creative.
Well I probably made too long of a post again, as well as with poor grammar but I feel like I got my point across, which was that even though I didn’t learn to stop being so obsessive, I did learn to trust myself and my crew as well as confidence in just doing my job and everything else can wait till after that job is done. So I hope I did everyone proud last week, I had my ups and downs but I managed to get through it with my head held up instead of hiding.
By the way I did a great job directing in my music video later that night on Friday and I am really looking forward to showing my crew and Grossman the footage, I think I am making the right steps to being productive and I won’t let my obsessive behavior get me down anymore.