This post is going to be a bit personal, but I’m not sure how else to say this. Saturday and Tuesday where pretty hard for me and has made me realize that I love and hate this job. I love that I get to do this every day, and it generally feels like who I am, but sometimes I hate how I feel at the end of it all. Honestly, its not that I am being corrected or told I’m doing anything wrong, instead its more of I try to hard to do everyones job instead of focusing on my own and I hate that. However, I can’t see myself doing anything else.
For example on Saturday I mostly ran around trying to fix a lot of problems on and off set because I knew they needed to be done and didn’t want to bother my co-workers which meant I didn’t give them the trust they deserved and I honestly regret that. I hate that I put myself through that so I decided to trust my team and handed off jobs that needed to be done and stayed near my department and made sure to work as hard as I could even though I made a few slip ups here or there but overall it was a wonderful experience and I feel my whole crew did a fantastic job with this project.
Tuesday was a different story because I had an opportunity on my last project to do something that inspired me because I knew what I wanted to do: to make a suicide story. Instead, I played it safe yet again and lost the art I was going for, as well as the point I was trying to make about anxiety and depression. It was going to be a day in the life of a depressed man before he committed suicide–extremely dark, I know, but that’s what I was inspired to do. But I thought that it would be hated and I would make a failing grade. I think sometimes I forget that I am an artist first in this field and I am helping collaborate with my fellow artists to make something great. Of course, not everything goes as planned; life has its hiccups and you end up making a less than perfect project, but it is still “your” project. I just wish I decided to go through with what I wanted to do as an artist because I feel like I could have truly made something great.
I’m not giving up, however. I have a chance now to make great things with a wonderful crew who I really admire, and I can’t wait to work more projects with them. I’m honestly less afraid with them and it feels like I can grow and be more of an artist but also be better at my job. Not to say I never want to be good at my job but this is the first time in awhile were I feel like I belong and the crew at 4381 is to thank for that and I’m proud of all of you and I hope you are proud of me as well.
At least I hope I can make you all proud by doing my best because I know I can instead of being afraid.